Archived Articles: Love
Free articles for your publications
Jacquie has many articles available for reprinting in your company newsletter or e-zine, or to pass on to your friends. You are welcome to reproduce these articles, provided the article is printed in its entirety, a link is provided to www.wiseways.com.au and the following acknowledgment is included at the end:
© Jacquie Wise – Coach, Counsellor, Speaker, Trainer and Author, specialising in personal, professional and spiritual development
I Never Said That!
Whether I am consulting with corporations or couples, the most frequent comment I hear is that problems would be more easily solved 'if only we could communicate better'. Communicating effectively is much like negotiating an obstacle course. Anticipating the obstacles allows us to avoid potential misunderstandings and prevent conflict.
KEY: There are three sets of potential obstacles in every interaction.
Barriers you create as the sender of the message:
• Assuming the receiver will be able to understand your message. Assuming their frame of reference provides them with appropriate experience. (We all know, don't we, that assuming makes an ASS of U and ME!)
• Delivering information too fast, overlooking important details you should be including. Do you remember experiences when you struggled to grasp some complex instruction a senior lawyer or computer expert was giving you—those moments when all you could do was think: 'Huh?' as you prayed you'd be able to figure it out later?
• Using words your listener interprets in a different way, or slipping into jargon without even realising it is jargon. Aside from specialised terms, people of different age groups, different cultures, or different levels of education may have significant differences in the vocabulary with which they are familiar.
• Your tone of voice can be as significant as your choice of words. If you are tired, for instance, you may sound angry even if you're not, or give the impression the issue is less important than it really is. . Or perhaps you are guilty of mumbling!
Filters you set up as the receiver of the message:
• More assumptions—that you have understood the message the sender intended to convey (as opposed to the one they really did convey!) Your job is to interpret the message according to your knowledge, attitudes, history of experiences, cultural conditioning AND preferred communicating style!
• Fatigue or pain might affect our concentration.
• Selective listening, which means we tune out aspects which bore us, with which we disagree, or if we are impatient types. If we are feeling defensive, or resentful, we may unwittingly misinterpret the message, completely distorting the sender's intention.
Research has shown that the typical individual only retains about 25% of what they hear. A sobering thought when one considers the sheer quantity of interaction in a legal practice on any given day.
External barriers beyond control
These include interruptions, excessive noise and uncomfortable temperatures, all contributing to lack of concentration. And we haven't even mentioned the non-verbal cues, which can add to confusions and contradictions, like body-language exhibiting tension, when we are trying to appear at ease!
Most of these obstacles can be eliminated with proper preparation. In time, you can develop a good instinct, which will carry you through those unexpected dramas.
Three key words for clear communication are: identify, clarify, specify.
The first step is to identify, in advance, not only areas of potential misunderstanding but also possible reactions to your message. You would not think of going to court or into mediation without meticulous preparation. Yet how much thought do you give to informal or more personal interactions with staff or family?
KEY: It comes down to making a list of 'what-ifs'—what if they think I mean this instead of that, what if they react negatively, what if they jump to this conclusion, what if they say that… What is the most constructive way of dealing with it?
Equally important is to identify the receiver's preferred communication style, which might be totally different from the one you naturally use. In essence, there are four main styles, based on Carl Jung's four personality types. Analytical types are interested in details; others are more action oriented, preferring to leave details to others. Those who are excellent visionaries like the big picture, whilst socially oriented types are most interested in people's reactions and ways of gaining acceptance to the proposal.
KEY: Present the information in the right order for your listener, so that you capture their attention before they tune out! Otherwise you might as well be speaking a different language!
In essence, there are two approaches you could take: the direct and the indirect. We are most familiar with the indirect approach, in which we present the rationale first, the conclusions second and build up to the recommendation. This approach is very useful when you need to convince with a strong persuasive argument. By the time you reach your recommendation, you will have led your audience by the hand into agreement.
But it doesn't work with people who are impatient, who like to cut to the chase, or for those situations when you know they are in agreement with you. The direct approach is best for those. It is the complete opposite of the indirect, so might be contrary to our natural approach. It means you begin with the bottom line, the recommendation, the proposal, and only then follow with the rationale, closing with the conclusions you drew. Very often, your listeners don't need convincing and won't need to hear all that detail. It saves time.
What if you can't anticipate, or have a mixed audience, with some who need convincing and some who don't? In that case, follow that tried and true formula:
KEY: Tell them what you are going to tell them,
Tell them, then
Tell them what you've told them!
Specific pointers on how to handle the different communication styles are beyond the scope of this article. (Keep watching this space!)
The second step is to clarify the underlying values, needs, perceptions and intentions of those involved. As a coach and counsellor, I have learnt the value of explaining myself as I speak. The more sensitive the situation, the greater the need to say the same message in a negative as well as a positive framework:
'I don't mean this, or this. What I do mean is that.'
'Please don't think I am saying…what I am saying is…'
Both senders and receivers are equally responsible for explaining or asking for the reasons underlying viewpoints or actions.
KEY: Take care with the word 'why'. It can too easily sound defensive or attacking.
Prefer instead to ask: 'what are your reasons…?'
To ensure you have understood correctly, keep clarifying:
'I get the impression…am I right?'
The third step is to specify what has happened, is happening or is going to happen next. And are all guilty of not being specific enough! Telling someone to do something 'as soon as possible' does not specify if they are meant to drop every other priority, or by when the task must be completed. Stating that there have been 'occasional complaints' doesn't say anything about how many, how often, or how serious they were, much less give us a lead as to what the solution might be. Specify quantity, quality, deadlines, costs and limitations.
KEY: Use the '5 Ws' to ensure you are covering all the important issues:
Who, what, when, where, why—and, if relevant, how.
If you are the receiver, use the 5 Ws to pose the kind of questions that
ensure you get the full picture. It's a good way of showing interest in a conversation too!
Effective communication is built on rapport. Even by applying these few strategies, you can easily improve your interactions and create the kind of rapport which will make you a good communicator.
Wise Words
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realise they were the big things.
Robert Brault