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Jacquie has many articles available for reprinting in your company newsletter or e-zine, or to pass on to your friends. You are welcome to reproduce these articles, provided the article is printed in its entirety, a link is provided to www.wiseways.com.au and the following acknowledgment is included at the end:
© Jacquie Wise – Coach, Counsellor, Speaker, Trainer and Author, specialising in personal, professional and spiritual development
Getting Your Views Accepted
What's worse than being on the wrong side of an argument? Being on the right side with nobody listening. What does it take to get people to listen to you? What turns them off? These pointers should help you be heard and your views respected.
The trouble starts when the argument we put forward is limited to our own perspective. So we argue, each yelling louder, trying to convince the other person to accept our viewpoint, often without giving them the courtesy of listening to theirs.
Diplomacy has a lot to do with it, and it can be learnt! The diplomatic person knows exactly what to say, how to say it, and when to say it. Diplomacy means, in essence, making someone feel better about themselves, and demonstrating that you are at least making an effort to meet their needs.
We respond to anyone who helps us meet our basic needs and we resist anything or anyone that prevents us from satisfying those needs. If, for example, we have a strong need for acceptance, we may avoid speaking our minds in confrontational situations. The diplomat, on the other hand, will speak up, but will find a way to present the case in terms that enable others to clearly identify the benefits they (not you!) perceive as important.
So what are the basic needs we're all striving to have met?
To varying degrees, we all need to feel physically and emotionally secure. We all want to be (and be seen to be) proud of our possessions and achievements, influential over others, whether as leaders, good parents, or key team members. We would all like to be respected and admired, whether for our knowledge or skills, or even just for ourselves. Better yet, to be acknowledged as an expert in our field, up-to-date and imaginative. (Who wants to be thought of as out-of-date?)
And we need to have our efforts recognised and appreciated. Even if I don't quite meet your required standards, at least will you please notice that I tried?
We all need to feel we're contributing something worthwhile—that what we do matters. We want to advance in our chosen goals—feel we're getting somewhere on our chosen path.
It's often been referred to as the 'What's-in-it-for-me' concept. Those who make the effort to identify a person's 'what's-in-it-for-me' will be the best at convincing and persuading.
Most people are open to hearing the truth when it's said in a way they can hear it. People can't hear you when you make them wrong by attacking the weak aspect of their argument. If there is one thread of judgement, of criticism, or denigration in what you say, they're not going to hear you. They'll be too busy rehearsing a defence, if they can even think clearly through the mounting resentment against you.
When each person is making a judgement from his or her own frame of reference, there's really nothing that could be called communication in any genuine sense.
Many years ago, I was involved in mediating between a couple in conflict, as their counsellor. The husband was seeking a divorce. That his wife had married him only for his money had become painfully clear to him, which was one of the reasons for his wanting to end the relationship.
Her denial of the situation had led her to avoid taking part in any discussions that might have improved their relationship. The husband was doing his very best to be fair in his dealings with her. He wanted to involve her in discussions and ask about her preferences, rather than dictate his intentions to her.
She, on the other hand, didn't want to know, and resorted to threats, blackmail, fits of fury and hysteria, and goodness knows what else… I had my job cut out for me.
At one point she'd left the discussion in sobs, intending to drive off. Concerned about her safety, not to mention others on the road, I needed to a) stop her from driving off in this state, and b) get her back into the discussion so that they could move forward.
If I'd tried to reason with her with any of those arguments, or tried to appeal to a sense of fair play that she couldn't relate to, I would have achieved nothing. Her 'what's-in-it-for-me' had always been money. So I persuaded her to return on the basis that if she took part in the discussion, she would be better placed to have her say and perhaps gain more financially than if things were decided without her presence.
She paused, the tears dried up as if turned off by a tap, and she quietly returned with me. From then on, she was cool-headed and we were at least able to arrive at a conclusion that suited them both.
Your ability to communicate convincingly and persuasively will depend on your ability to address someone else's priorities
There is no doubt that this is manipulation. But there is nothing wrong with manipulation when you are persuading someone to behave in a way that is for the greater good of all concerned.
The principles that facilitate this process are simple, but applying them can be tricky if frustration is allowed to build to anger.
When an argument arises, whether between a couple or within a small group, the first step is to stop the discussion and make this rule: Each person presents his or her view only after he or she has first restated the ideas and feelings of the previous speaker accurately and to that speaker's satisfaction. This is a good strategy for family discussions.
Each person needs to demonstrate they understand the other's thoughts and feelings so well, they can summarise them for that person. Taking the trouble to do that can significantly alter your own position, or at the very least, it takes the emotional charge out of the discussion and allows you to discover exactly what it is you do disagree on.
Paraphrasing the message you have heard is the best way of clarifying that you have understood correctly, as well as encouraging the other person to clarify their own feelings and trust you enough to express them to you.
Here's what it sounds like:
• It seems to me that you feel …
• As I understand it, you believe …
• You mean it is important to you to/that …
Never assume!
Always double-check that you have the right impression, or that you have correctly guessed what the other person is thinking or feeling:
• In other words, what you are saying is … is that right?
If there are fewer assumptions, there will be fewer misunderstandings, and less build-up of tension.
Persuasive Presentations
How many times have you agonised over how to persuade management to accept your proposal or convince a client to pursue a particular course of action?
Here's a summary of various approaches that work:
- Don't allow others to draw their own conclusions. You'll change more opinions when you draw conclusions for your audience. That also means never assuming your perspective is obvious. State your argument with examples, and explain the basis on which you have drawn your conclusions, illustrating how what you propose can also help them meet their needs, on a win-win basis.
- Use both emotional and logical appeals when trying to persuade someone. Why? Because people believe themselves to be logical and seek to rationalise their decisions, which are often influenced by emotional needs.
- Appeal to one or more of these basic emotional needs: trust and security, reward and recognition, independence, power and status improvement.
- When discussing practical issues, people usually want solutions that are cheaper, quicker, easier or better. And of course, what is 'better' to one, may not be 'better' to another, depending on their priorities. Up to you to identify and address them.
- Anticipate objections. Even if you don't know who will be present, it's not hard to guess the kind of objections they might raise to your proposal.
- Many objections are standard
- It's too complicated; it'll never work, it'll take too long, it's not cost-effective…
- By thinking about how you will answer these in advance, you may well realise some of these objections are valid, and you'd better review your plan in a hurry, or you will find a way to address them before the audience even has had a chance to think of them.
- If you have already made concessions, and you're trying to persuade the other party to meet you half way, begin your presentation by reiterating the concessions you've made. It makes it harder for them not to concede something in return, because it shows them the many ways in which you have already met their needs.
To persuade someone to carry out a request, first ask the person to do something you know they will refuse. Then follow up with a more moderate request—the real one—and often you'll get the desired result.
Example: Would you be willing to volunteer 10 hours of your time to help with the office reorganisation?
When the person declines, come back with: Then how about just three hours?
People are like doors
There are all kinds of different ways to open a door. A few are wide open, allowing you to walk right through. Many, though, are tight shut, perhaps warped. They need a solid kick in the right place to wedge them open. Sometimes, if a door has been closed for a long time, it becomes stiff, and all it needs is a little oil on its hinges—a little TLC—before you can gently nudge it open. Some doors a locked. They key has long been lost. But you can always find a key, even if you have to make one.
There is always a key that will open every person. All you have to do is find it. And just like doors, nothing will happen if you stand in front of them and demand that they open to you. You need to be the one to make the first move and reach out for the handle. A small effort, but well worth while. How much effort do we make with the people in our lives?
Wise Words
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realise they were the big things.
Robert Brault