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© Jacquie Wise – Coach, Counsellor, Speaker, Trainer and Author, specialising in personal, professional and spiritual development
Connecting with those you love
Here's an issue close to the heart of anyone who's a parent; or anyone who finds it difficult to connect with a loved one at a deeper level.
Question:
As a parent with a demanding job, I find it difficult to develop a close relationship with my kids. I see the years slipping by and they're growing up too fast. I don't feel I know my own children or that they really know me as anything more than a provider or disciplinarian. Do you have any ideas on how I can get closer to my children?
Two are teenagers; one is doing VCE and has a part-time job at a supermarket. If they're not studying, they want to be out with their friends, not with me. It's impossible to get them together at the same time for a family outing or meal, especially at weekends. My youngest doesn't think an outing with Mum is any fun, and it's difficult to create the time or the energy even for quality time. If I try to talk over breakfast they just grunt. I'm not even sure they would come to me if there were in any kind of trouble and that worries me. How can I develop a bond when we hardly see one another?
Answer:
There is no single solution that suits every family, but here are a few suggestions that might increase your options to create 'connecting time'.
The trick is to look for little pockets of time rather than opportunities for long discussions. If someone is due for a birthday present or a new pair of shoes, go with them to buy it rather than just giving them the money. Chats in the car or over a milk shake can be a valuable opportunity. Prepare a couple of age-appropriate jokes; brush up on the latest computer game or pop start gossip—whatever it takes to keep the conversation from turning into an interrogation.
Catch moments of fun where you can. Depending on the age of your kids, turn as much as possible into a game. For instance, tidying up their room with them can turn into a game if you are singing to favourite songs—get to know the words. They may think you've gone bats it it's not your usual style but they'll get used to it—it's better than yelling.
If you're trying to get closer to an adult, develop a new tradition of doing basic activities together, such as cooking one meal a week together. It's an opportunity to be creative and experiment with something very different. Observe whether you dampen spirits by being too critical or too perfectionist yourself. It's all supposed to be fun—do you remember how to have fun yourself, if you have a demanding job? Now there's an interesting question!
Rather than having too many 'deep and meaningfuls ' turn discussions about drink, sex and drugs when you see things in the news, when the focus is on someone else rather than on them. So if a teenager gets killed because he jumped off a train as a dare, ask them what they would do if friends were pressuring them.
Be aware of their homework assignments and see if you can help do a bit of research, or offer to test them. Say 'If you explain the theory out loud to me, it'll help you remember it…'
Develop a questioning style that is more likely to get more meaningful information out of them. If you say 'How was your day?' you're likely to get an abrupt 'Fine.' If, on the other hand, you were to say something like 'What was the best thing that happened today?' you might get a little more from them.
Talking about the highlights and lowlights of each day—the best and worst thing that happened—and, more importantly, how that made them feel, and what it was that triggered that feeling, is what will lead to a deeper connection, but before you get there, it might be necessary to build a bit more trust.
Of course, if this hasn't been a family habit, it can be a challenge to introduce, if everyone's used to being independent, closed; perhaps even secretive.
To get your kids (or another adult for that matter) to open up to you, you need to lead the way. In short 'sound-bites', reveal a little bit about yourself. Talk about the highlights and lowlights of your own day, and how you felt about them. Express your own vulnerabilities to your kids, including your anxieties as a parent, and let them get to know you as a human being with fears and foibles; not only as the 'provider and disciplinarian' you say they see you as.
In revealing (however briefly) how you are handling your issues, you have the opportunity of being a terrific role model for them.
Family times are usually evening meals. Even if there is no night of the week when you can all be together, at least one of them might be present on a certain night. If you have a habit of having the television on over dinner, then not only are you killing every chance of getting to know one another, but you're not giving them the opportunity to learn social skills and be comfortable making general conversation.
Could you make it a new tradition, at least one a week or once a fortnight, to have no TV over dinner? You could tape favourite shows to watch later. Maybe here's where the family cook-up can come in, especially if they choose what they'd like to tray cooking. I've known many families who have taken up that idea successfully.
One idea that might work is to allow them to invite a friend over for dinner or for a sleepover, and include them in easy conversation, whether it's about football or their favourite pop star or to play a computer game with them. They'll learn to see you as a friend, rather than just as a parent: the authority figure—the enemy!
So often we communicate only to ask for help or to complain about behaviour. How often do we give warm strokes?
Little, uplifting moments can be found any time; a spontaneous hug, (even if they cringe!) a joke in their lunch box or sent by email to them; a loving note on their pillow…
You can easily find uplifting things to say without gushing or losing your natural style. Telling someone you admire them for the way they are pursuing some goal or handling a challenge; saying how proud you are of them for just being them (not only for something they've achieved); telling them you are behind them all the way through whatever they decide to do—that's the stuff they'll remember.
Let them remember you as someone who was able to be warm and uplifting and fun, as well as someone who cared enough to pull them into line when necessary. And by the way, if you do need to exercise some authority, always let them know at the same time that you love them and it's because you care that you are correcting them.
Fond memories of bonding are often made up of little moments. And it's a collection of little moments that can unravel—or build—any relationship.
Wise Words
Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realise they were the big things.
Robert Brault